|
Rams
at Carolina, 11/19/06
Back after a 1-week hiatus.....
NOT REALLY A QUICK ANALYSIS, SO SKIP ON DOWN IF YOU’RE SO INCLINED
The Rams are 7 point underdogs, coming in at 4-5 against 5-4 Carolina. Needless to say, the winner of this game gains the upper hand in the wild card chase. I would not be going out on much of a limb to say that the winner of this game WILL get one of the two wild card spots. Let’s review all the 4-5 or better NFC teams. Chicago (8-1) looks like a lock to take the North. Green Bay and Minnesota are both 4-5, with GB hosting New England this week and the Vikings going to Miami. I see 4-6 for both. The Rams have the tie-breaker (head-to-head) over GB and play at Minnesota on New Years Eve. In the South, New Orleans is 6-3, followed by Atlanta and Carolina at 5-4. N.O. hosts Cincy, Atlanta travels to Baltimore, and Carolina hosts the Rams. I think the Saints will take control of the South and advance to 7-3. The Falcons are too inconsistent and will drop to 5-5. In the East, New York is 6-3, followed by Philly and Dallas at 5-4. The Giants play MNF at Jacksonville, Dallas hosts undefeated Indy, and the Eagles host Tennessee. I think the Giants and Eagles will win and Dallas will lose. In the West, Seattle owns the division at 6-3, followed by SF and the Rams at 4-5. SF hosts, and loses, this week to Seattle. Therefore, if the above goes as predicted, Philly will be at the head of the pack for one wild card at 6-4. Will Carolina join them at 6-4? Probably. But if the Rams could play a complete game, and the coaches could keep their heads out of their asses for a complete game, the Rams could join a 4-way tie for the second wild card at 5-5. The remaining schedule favors the Rams (4 of their last 6 games are at home, with only the MNF game hosting the Bears featuring an opponent with a record above .500). The Rams are virtually eliminated if they lose, so they better play this game as if it’s a playoff game. I think it’ll take 10-6 to get in and I don’t see the Rams winning their last 6 in a row.
Carolina is 13th in the NFC in offense (total yards per game). Only SF, Arizona, and TB are more offensively inept. The Rams are 5th in the NFC. Carolina is 7th in the NFC in defense (yards allowed per game), allowing 19 fewer yards per game than the Rams. The Rams are 11th in the NFC in defense, giving up an embarrassing 143.3 rushing yards per game. However, Carolina can’t run the ball. Their 92.3 rushing yards per game is 14th in the NFC, better than only Arizona and Tampa Bay, the two worst offenses in the NFC. The Rams are 1st in the NFC in turnover margin (+8). Carolina is tied for 7th (0, same number of takeaways as turnovers). The Rams and Carolina are tied for 6th in NFC red zone offense, both scoring TDs 50% of the time. However, the Rams have been inside their opponent’s 20 yard line on 34 occasions to only 18 for Carolina. On red zone defense, the Rams are 9th in the NFC and Carolina is 10th.
CITY COMPARISON
Charlotte has NASCAR. St. Louis has ladies that will go far. I’ll take St. Louis over a town of no-teeth grease monkeys. And that’s the Carolina women.
INTERESTING GAMES
Colts at Cowboys, Bengals at Saints, Falcons at Ravens, Patriots at Packers, Bears at Jets, Giants at Jaguars, but my top two are Chargers at Broncos (both are 7-2) and Michigan at Ohio State.
GAME
PLAN
The Rams have to stop QB Jake Delhomme, Del Homo as he is known on the bath house circuit, (182 of 304 for 1970 yards, 10 TDs, 6 ints, 81.7 passer rating, 9th in the NFC), who has been hooking up mostly with WR Steve Smith (you’ll remember this guy as the player that hastened Martz’s firing when Mr. Angie Harmon whiffed during the 2OT playoff loss, 29-23, on 1-10-04) who has 53 catches for 780 yards and 3 TDs (3rd in NFC receptions). Carolina’s big-mouth, slow-ass possession receiver is malcontent Keyshawn Johnson on his tour around the league (43 for 516 and 3 TDs). He has an ongoing bet with Terrell Owens to see how many teams they can play for and get fired by. Throw me the damn pink slip!
DeShaun Foster is their primary RB (156 carries for 588 yards, 3.8 per carry, 2 TDs). If the Rams let this slug go over 100, it’s time to hang up the spikes for 2006.
Rams skill players’ numbers are: Bulger (212 of 330 for 2515 yards, 13 TDs, 2 int, 98.0 passer rating, 2nd in the NFC); Holt (52 for 697 yards, 7 TDs, 5th in the NFC in receptions, tied for 1st in TD scoring); Bruce (42 for 620 yards, 1 TD); and Jackson (784 yards on 188 carries, 4.2 yards per, 5 rushing TDs, 3rd in the NFC in rushing yards, 10th in the NFC in receptions, 2nd in the NFC in total yards with 1236 yards behind only the Giant’s Tiki Barber with 1269 yards).
SPECIAL TEAMS
The Rams upgraded during the last week by picking up 2 special teams players. Willie Ponder was released by Seattle due to roster shuffling (they screwed up again – they are as dumb as the Rams’ Bob Ligashesky is incompetent). Ponder is 7th in the NFC on K.O. returns with a 23.5 avg. Heck we might even get some starts at our 30 this week. Wah-hoo! The Rams also picked up Chidi Iwuoma, a backup CB who was the 2005 Steeler’s special teams co-captain. Can’t be that bad if he’s got a ring.
Jeff Wilkins is 2nd in the NFC in kicker scoring; Carolina’s John Kasay is tied for 10th. Matt Turk is 9th in the NFC in punting; Carolina’s Jason Baker is 5th.
Carolina sucks worse than the Rams on punt return avg (5.1 to the Rams 7.5) and on kick return avg (19.3 to the Rams 20.0).
INJURY REPORT
Panthers
–
Out: Backup center Justin Hartwig (groin); backup DT Jordan Carstens (lung)
Rams –
Lost Orlando Pace and Travis Fisher for the rest of the season. Losing the Big O hurts. If I were Bulger, I’d insist on having Holt in the slot on the left side and throw him quick slants all day long. I would not take any 7 step drops while looking to the right with Goldberg protecting the blind side. Losing Fisher is addition by subtraction. I don’t look at starting Tye Hill as a bad thing over
Fisher.
Questionable: Special teams / usually inactive Drew Wahlroos, LB (hand).
Starting OLB Pisa Tinoisamoa is not even on the report since his left arm hasn’t completely fallen off. It’s only a flesh wound.
Rams O-line will continue to feature Steroids Steussie at LG and the Unknown Stupid Comic (Incognito) at center for the rest of 2006. Adam Goldberg, whose grandfather was saved by a watch in Schindler’s List, takes over at LT.
QUALITY DEFENSIVE ENDS
In some areas of the country, a quality defensive end is associated with a lax sphincter muscle (for those that left their hards in San Francisco). In this space I’m talking about two of the premier pass rushers in the NFC. Julius “They’re Easy So I Date Lepers” Peppers of Carolina leads the NFL with 11 sacks. Leonard “One Bourbon, One Scotch, and One Beer” Little is 2nd with 9 sacks.
NAME GAMES AND OTHER INSULTS
Carolina can’t be that smart. A few years back they offered a multi-year, lucrative contract to ex-Ram TE Brandon Manumaleuna. Ha! What idiots! If they were a college fraternity, they’d be on probation. The Rams showed them by matching the contract and retaining his services. Wait a minute. That means the Rams are bigger idiots and would be on double secret probation for keeping Mamma-lamma-ding-dong. Where was I going with this? Did the Germans bomb Pearl Harbor?
Carolina leads the NFL with players whose first names are De-something or another. No, I’m not talking about Derivatives here Mr. Wall Street trader, I’m talking about DeShaun Foster, DeAngelo Williams, D’Anthony Batiste, and DeLameass Lewis (actually, ex-Ram Damione Lewis).
OTHER SPORTS NEWS
Before the November 7th election, Bush was trying to rally his party and really needed a shot in the arm. He should have relied on VP Dick Cheney...he can shoot you in the arm with the best of ‘em. But the veep was nowhere to be found, no doubt out in the wilds, lame duck hunting. He should invite Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi on his next hunting trip. That’s editorial balance when you rip on both major parties.
Mizzou Tigers (7-3, 3-3 Big 12), coming off a bye week are 13 point favorites at Iowa State (3-8, 0-7). They are playing for something more glamorous than the Toilet Bowl and could go 9-3 (next week at home against the hated Rock-Chalk, can’t-rhyme-to-save-their-ass Kansas Jayhawks). The Big 12 North title has been taken by Nebraska. Mizzou could get the Gator or Alamo Bowl if they finish at 9-3, 5-3.
HOLY CRAP! HE CHANGED THE FORMAT!
In 2005 editions I wrote about ESCAPEES, JAILBREAKS, COURTESY FLUSHES, and the infamous TURD BURGLAR. In 2006 I’ve brought you nipple wannabe’s, the Rrhea sisters, Uncle Ted, using a FLY BY to do recons on Uncle Ted, and King Kong droppings. Since the Rams are playing an important stretch of four games now, I thought I’d take this section in a new direction, away from the sphincter. It’s time for...BUILD A DITTY. Not P. Diddy, or the neighborhood biddy, this is a group activity where I’ll start off by giving you two lines. You e-mail me your best shot at the next two lines and each week I’ll choose the best and update the ditty for the next Rams page. Here goes, easy theme, hum along if you don’t know the words....
“We like ‘em brunette, redhead, or blonde,
It’s the female form of which we are fond....”
Best addition from a male perspective (I’m saving Paula’s in case the ’06 season goes girly on us)...
As men, we all love ‘em, of this it is clear,
If you don’t, well then, you must be queer.
New addition for week 11...
We really like them, especially if they're blond,
Just ask Uncle Ted, he left his in a pond.
Next week will continue with your best additions.
YOU MIGHT BE A RIVER RAT IF...
You and a buddy are leaning over the bow of a running john boat to pull stumps out of the slough, and the stern comes out of the water with the prop just a-spinnin’ and a-spinnin’. At the time, you and the buddy have no idea what’s going on or why everyone on shore is laughing. You get extra credit for this maneuver if you can pull stumps and trim the river bank foliage at the same time.
Send me more examples. I’m going to capture true life river stories in this section.
ONE LINER
Why does the driver’s education class in most Carolina redneck schools use the school car only 2 nights a week?
Because the sex education class uses it the other nights.
Till next week,
GO RAMS!
Bert
|
|
